As 2020 wound itself down, I found myself celebrating one of my greatest adulthood accomplishments – getting my own home. (I am giving all credit to Jesus here because the journey was one that has been years in the making.) In the midst of a year with so much turmoil and chaos, I had managed to finally achieve something that I had been desiring and plotting on even before I knew it was a potential reality. I was so excited to have my own space, especially after a tumultuous move to a new city, staying with various friends, and being quarantined shortly after my move. I was feeling in dire need of my own space.
When 2021 started, I spent all of my time plotting on how I would get back to my new place, as I was currently visiting my parents and did a remote closing. It seemed that any and everything that could happen to keep me from going back did – a family member coming into contact with someone COVID positive, us quarantining, a riot at the Capitol and national unrest right before my first move attempt, then finally heading to my new place in the middle of a winter snow storm. Getting my home as is, I had some initial home updates that I knew needed to be done and discovered some new ones after arriving. It was continuous days of work, cleaning, updates, and planning until my parents left after a week and a half.
Finally alone in my home, I honestly felt one thing – tired. Tired from running. Tired from chasing the next level. Tired from trying to secure my future by any means necessary. Tired of stretching myself. Tired of trying to go harder, be better, go faster, and be stronger. If I’m being honest, ever since 2018, I feel like I’ve been running towards this goal of creating a better future and putting in the sacrifices to do so – moving home and commuting an hour one-way to work for 10 months until a new job came; going to therapy for personal healing; leaping into ; living a lean and budgeted life to save funds; branching out to a new city and career to enhance my career; attempting to be more present for myself and friends. All of these sacrifices have brought me to this moment for which I am grateful and truly feel is the cusp of breakthroughs and honestly supernatural alignment in my life. However, that all still comes with more work. The work that was looking me in my face: managing home renovations, continuing to perform at my job while working from home and being relatively isolated from others, navigating and growing from disappointment in friendships, and more (including a new blog post!).
The saying “New levels, new devils,” has been in my mind as I realized that there is always going to be more work, more challenges, more things needing to be done. There’s never going to be a time where every single thing is just easy with absolutely nothing to be done because then what would life be?
This made me confront a new question – if there will always be more, then how will I ever overcome feeling tired? Thinking on this, I realized that I am the only one managing these timelines in my head, which means that I can make room for as much or as little as needed and find ways to rest. I can say no to things I do not have the capacity for. I can disengage from relationships where I am the sole party doing the maintenance. I can engage on social media when I am comfortable. I can adjust my personal project timelines in a way that is more manageable but will still get things done. I can be vocal to others about my current capacity. I can make the choice to stop pouring into everyone else before myself. I can be aware of the flow of my days and adjust myself accordingly. I can find rest in my days.
Currently, I am moving much slower than the pace and letting go of what I envisioned in my head for when I got to this point. I’m working on resting and doing things at a pace that feels productive and healthy as best as I can. For me, this means engaging my faith in a new way, easing into the newness of this life and home updates, adjusting my presence and time for others as I learn the new dynamics of this season, small moments away from my laptop during work, using some of my new space for yoga, being present for myself first, and accepting all for what is. This simultaneously means, not thinking of rest as inactivity or stopping, which would allow me to get stuck and plateau at this current place. Resting does not mean that things will not get done. Instead, I am working on looking at rest as an essential part of the rhythm of life that has its space as I continue to go forward into what 2021 has to offer.
How are you feeling in this season?
What does rest look like to you?
How are you making space for rest in this current season?
How can you shift your mindset on what rest means to you?
